One of the many misconceptions about people with autism
is that they are not interested in others. I have always been interested in
other people and ever since I can remember I wanted to have a true friend. To
me friendship means most of all that you can talk to each other and be there
for each other. I don’t really need friends to do things together with, but I
love to discuss life in general and share ideas and advice with each other. I
noticed that not everybody seems to have the same idea about friendship.
When I was a little girl we went camping every year in
France. My mother told me that before my brothers were born (I was only 2 years
old) I used to take my scoop and bucket and told my parents that I went looking
for friends on the campingsite. A few minutes later I returned because there
were’nt any children. (My parents love(d) to visit the most deserted
campingsites they could find.) This is kind of the story of my life, except
that now I have finally found one true friend.
During my years at elementary school I used to play with
a few girls and a few boys. I had playdates with the girls, but still I felt I
didn’t fit in. I couldn’t talk with them about my interests. I loved to read
and make crafts. Looking back I also had a few special interests like witches,
astronomy and the Dark Ages. Only my medieval interest ‘survived’ my childhood.
Ofcourse other children were’nt into these things. I can’t even remember what the other kids
liked except barbies and Madonna.
I clearly remember that I seriously prayed to find a true
friend in highschool, but unfortunately my prayers weren’t answered. In
highschool my feeling of not fitting in and not having any real friends only
intensified. I felt really lonely. I did like to go to school because I love to
study. I have very good organizing skills and a good appetite for learning new
things. That kept me going.
It wasn’t until I went to college that I found a circle
of friends. We all shared the experience of not fitting in during our previous
school years. I finally felt like I belonged to a group. But the pressure within
the group and the superficial
discussions were getting to me and I had to remove myself from that
group. I desperately wanted to connect and when I finally made real contact I
couldn’t deal with it.
I tried to stay in contact with a few friends from my
circle, but I gradually lost contact with most of them. Only one remained… P. stood
by me during my first burnout, the difficult time after my son was born, my
second burnout and my diagnosis. I can talk about anything with her and I can
listen to her stories and give her advice. I can tell her that I don’t feel like
talking for a while because I’m tired or overwhelmed and she can tell me the
same thing. We stay friends and we don’t take it personally. Her interests are
not the same as mine and she doesn’t have autism, but we do share a few
personality traits. We understand each other.
More and more I come to the conclusion this must be
enough for me and it IS enough. Why do I keep in touch with ‘friends’ who don’t
want to hear about how I’m really doing? Why do I keep on giving and why am I
incapable of taking? I am always waiting to receive… but my experience is that a lot of
people just aren’t willing to give. One by one I’m letting them go. I just don’t
have the energy and the will anymore to please others and hurt myself in the
process. I need to be the best person I can be. I can’t give something I don’t
have anymore.
